Love, Life and Epinephrine

From Evernote:

Love, Life and Epinephrine

My stethoscope touched the baby's chest, I leaned over to hear better... no heartbeat. I knew there was none but I just have to hear it for myself. Somehow in an ironic way, my heart beat became faster, i only I could give this patient as much heart action as I was having, I will. Well I know what happens next: chest compressions and cardiac massage follows. The resident then asked me to do a thing I dreaded most in code blues. She told me; "Ma'am, give him an Epi". Oh great, I told myself. Most nurses will roll their eyes because it's an easy thing to do... Not me... Not today. 

Weeks ago a patient of mine crashed, my head nurse asked for me to prepare Epi so in a state of panic I picked up the ampule and grabbed a T-syringe's plastic wrapper and broke the ampule as forcefully as I could to break it faster. Lo and behold, blood streaked through my thumb and i found the ampule broken into minute pieces in my thumb. What a sight! My patient is crashing and my thumb was hurting like hell. I needed to prepare another one despite my bleeding finger. Ampule after ampule, we tried to save the baby but sometimes even with the greatest effort a patient must go. 

Going back to the present, I stood and looked at the ampule. I was traumatized by what happened before and i just couldn't bring myself to break it again. I'm afraid to hurt myself but i don't have the whole day to stare at it and control it with my mind and say go ahead and be shattered on your own. But telekinetic power would be so useful at that time. 

So why am I telling you this? Because it boils down to everyday life lessons like facing our fears and overcoming obstacles. I am like that in love and people in general. I've been badly hurt and bruised numerous times already. That's why I am afraid to trust and be susceptible to self-damaging situations. But no matter how hard we try to avoid it, at the turn of the road we have to confront it even if we want to or not. Life will eventually shove it to our face. A time will come that we are forced to man up to the situation but all we can do is just stare long enough and be tired staring and start doing. We all know it's difficult and painful. But pain is good, it exposes us to things we don't know about ourselves. It's like a microscope of life enabling us to examine the smallest issues we tend to overlook. Fear on the other hand, magnifies our anxieties and reveals our vulnerability. We can either choose to be paralyzed or be freed from them. Sometimes we just need to get past our paranoia and just go for it. To be brave enough to push our limits and leave our comfort zones. Being hurt is sometimes good. It compels us to take a plunge and risk things even if it is uncomfortable because we know deep inside good things may spring from it. We may ask what ifs but we should also hope for the best 'coz most of the time it is for the best. 

So what's my ampule breaking lesson here? Don't use a syringe's wrapper to break ampules. hahaha! Kidding aside, we just need to loosen up and let go.. let life get to us sometimes. Some people or situations may let us down. Our only choice is to be strong enough to survive each break, who knows you might be saving yourself after all. As for the baby, after three shots of Epi he was revived again. He survived and I on the other hand, overcame my ampule trauma. So for the next code blues to come, I'll be there- your human ampule-breaker!


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